Miss<333Mariss

everything from my previous entry is null and void.


i suck at life

it is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness

These past 5 weeks have been a real turning point for me. The hugest emotional rollercoater, the biggest obsticles ive ever had to start to overcome, the most ive ever learned about myself. I met some of the most incredible women, put trust in them, and allowed everyone, includng myself, to experience a whole new side of me. These ladies are so inspirational and deserve so much, but I was never able to see that for myself. I went in feeling hopeless, helpless, worthless, and with the support, care, and love from these girls I am finally starting to see that there may be a light at the end of my tunnel. I still feel not good enough, and will probably always feel that way, but it is true that the more you are told how much you are cared about and that people really do see amazing things in your future and that you deserve so much more than this, you do start to believe it... and i think the only reason i started to is because i just met these people and they have nothing invested in giving me compliments. They are there for themselves, so to go out of their way to really help me did make me slightly begin to feel worth more than what I am living.
This is just the beginning and I have so much to overcome- a lifetime of struggles Ive already been dealt, and those I still have yet to face, but I am finally seeing that this is not as good as it gets. I may not have hit rock bottom yet, and for all I know I still might because this fight is not over. It will never be. But i just have to stay strong, stay motivated, and know that everything will eventually fall into place. And remember that this too shall pass.

Let a man's talents or virtues be what they may, he will only feel satisfaction as he is satisfied in himself.

Gemini (the twins) is a very complex and confusing sign. To some people you can seem like a wonderful friend, while to others you will seem two-faced and sneaky. You will act like a child for most of your life. That includes both the good and bad characteristics of children. You are happy and energetic when things go right for you. However, when things go wrong, you can be passive-aggressive and very mean. You find decisions hard to make, since you can never stay with the one that you originally choose. You tend to fight loosing battles for something that you call a "moral" cause (even though you know it isn't).
One quality (you decide whether it's good or bad) you have is the ability to lie and appear that you are telling the complete truth. You prefer to use someone else's solution to a problem than thinking of your own. Many of Gemini's poorer traits are due to your lack of self-esteem. It is very tough to get your attention. You will be thinking about many things at a time and you can't concentrate on any particular thing at one time. You may be praising somebody but at the same time you will be thinking against him(her). But the most intelligent people on the earth are Geminians.

i am like the definiation of a gemini haha i hope i dont ocme off two-faced and sneaky :(

wow havnt updated in like a year haha

hmmm what to say, what to say

omg im watching Sabrina and Eden's Crush was just on it singing Get Over Yourself... Goodbye. haha random

-so I got into Brandeis (i dont think i ever wrote that i did?) but i didnt get nearly enough money to be able to go, so unless my dad can work something out with them, it looks like that wont work out. and Im quite upset.
- 42nd st opened!! itz soooo good and you should def all come. itz been a lot of fun. the cast is amazing.
-I have my last college audition this week- at Geneseo, which looks like my next best choice for college cuz it is the only one we can actually afford haha even tho i kinda dont really want to go there. whatevs.. we'll see what happens
-yay itz vacation! and itz much needed considering ive been getting home at like 1 in the morning these past few weeks from rehearsals haha. yay for relaxation..except not cuz im still quite busy anyhow
-ugh Im going crazy. i have soo much on my mind and so many things are going on. im dealing with so many personal things right now, and on top im soo stressed about college, and im having problems with 42nd st stuff. this year just needs to end already
-i had a good talk with radha Hilary and Cori. I kinda filled them in on some stuff, which i was kinda nervous about but they are so great. and it was really necessary.

ok i think thats good for now. peace!

on fri me hil and cori surprised radha for her b-day by taking her ice skating. she has never gone before and always said she wanted to go. so she went over coris just thinking they were hanging out but instead we were all there with a surprise little party with a balloon and a cake and stuff. and then we went to the mall to get her gift cuz she wanted shoes so she needed to be there to try them on and stuff and then we went ice skating which was fun... and cold...and hurt my feet. Raz didnt really like it, but thats ok- now she knows lol.but like it was a fun night out, which i really needed. it took my mind off of everything that has been happening.

i guess all it takes is a fun night out with the girls to ease my mind... even tho my mind will never be at ease ahha. whatevs. it was a night greatly needed.

yesterday i helped out at the girl i babysit for's birthday party. it was a princess party and all the girls came in their favorite disney princess costume and i did their nails and gave them tattoos of like flowers and the princesses and they made jewelry. ugh it was soooo cute. i love how theyre 5 and im 17 and i wish it was my party haha.

BU audition on fri. oh gosh

Take me as I am- by Mary J Blige

She's been down and out
She's been wrote about
She's been talked about, constantly
She's been up and down
She's been pushed around
But they held her down, NYC
She has no regrets
She accepts the past
All these things they
helped make to make she
She's been lost and found
And she's still around
There's a reason for everything

You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.

So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.

Now she's older now
Yes, she's wiser now
Can't disguise her now
She don't need
No one tellin her
What to do and say
No one tellin her
Who to be
She's on solid ground
She's been lost and found
Now, she answers to G-O-D
And she's confident
This is not the end
Ask me how I know
Cause she is me.

You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.

So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.

So it's all or nothing at all,
All or nothing at all
Don't you know I can only be me.
(I can only be me, yeah)

So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.

Take me as I am.
Take me as I am.
Said it's all or nothing at all
Said it's all or nothing at all

Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all. (This is me)
Just take me as I am, (take me as i am)
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am, (take me as i am)
or have nothing, nothing at all.
Take me as I am.


such a powerful song. Oprah told her it sounded like an anthem when she was on her show haha

and
( it would be quite awesome if you did this survey!! )

dear 2007,
please let me be happy this year.
love Marissa

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.


ugh i luv this song. such inspiring lyrics- so realistic

OMG I SAW DREAMGIRLS LAST NIGHT in the city because its not out yet and like only 3 theatres in the whole nation has it playing right now and my dad got us tickets and like first- the theatre was amazing- it was like going to broadway haha like there was a chandelier in there and cases with costumes from the movie and they gave out a big playbill with pictures and quotes and biographies of the cast members. but omg the movie might be the best movie i ever saw. ever. it was so powerful and raised so many topics and issues as we saw the girls struggle to find fame and happiness at the same time. and the message about believing in yourself and never giving up and that "all you have to do is dream" is so powerful. and everyone in the cast was just soooooooooo amazing- Jamie Fox was incredible, Beyonce, who i was unsure of, blew me away, but honestly Jennifer Hudson was so unreal. Like i have never seen such talent itz indescribible. Afetr she sang Im Not Going the audience stood up and applauded as if we were at broadway (but the whole crowd seemed like theatre people cuz like every1 at the end of the movie was saying how they wished they could sing like jennifer and the guy behind me was talking about how he was trying to get a show of his onto broadway lol i guess hes a producer?). Like, itz people like Jennifer Hudson who make me realize how much i love to sing and how much thats what i want to do with my life, but at the same time makes me upset because I know i will never have the talent and ability to. But seriously, this movie and this cast was sooo unbelievable and made such an impact on me.

ok, moving on, yay itz vacation!
i had my last winter concert on thursday and like i wasnt sad during it but i just culdnt believe it was my last one and that next year id be coming up with the alumnis. time just goes so fast.
wooo i made 42nd st at cap center. im gladys haha. yay for me and Jackie cuz shes Ethel haha- we sound like old grandmas ut im so excited and the rest of the cast is so good so i cant wait for rehearsals to start
ugh i want to kno where im going to college already. it seems like evry1 knows already and i havnt heard from anywhere. gahhhhh

ok thats about it for now. byebye. happy holidays!!

I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home, in my own home
And I tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Oh,
Now I'm done believin you
You don't know what I'm feelin
I'm more than what, you made of me
I followed the voice
you gave to me
But now I gotta find, my own..

Tonight was processional night and i never could have imagined how emotional it would have been- for me and for everyone else. On every other day i never truly the bond and connection and love everyone showed for each other tonight. People were basically expressing their lives and some very painful things and this whole experience really got me thinking. While i may hate living here on an ordianary and i just cant wait to leave and start fresh and meet a whole new set of people, there is no way I can leave everything I have right now. im not ready to grow up, to have to depend on myself, and have to start everything new. I just cant imagine my life not as it is now and it scares me. It just shows how fast time really does go and how you have to treasure every minute of it because while 8 months seems like a long time, after living here for 17 years, 8 months is nothing and its going to go by soo quickly. and it just makes me really upset.

and then i realized that ive been friends with my closest friends for like my entire life- since like first grade- and they know absolutely nothing about me. even with them i feel like i have to put on a front...i could never cry in front of them or tell them how I feel, and why is that? thats why i was so surprise when i started to cry tonight, and it was like hardcore- because i havnt cried in front of people in soo long. but like the hting is no one actually knows what i cry about- even my best friends. no one knows anything about me.

I realized after my last entry that writing stuff down really does help me. Like itz soo good to like get everything out of my head onto paper because otherwise my brain gets soo consumed by so many thoughts that like I cant function until i can get it all out..is that wierd? But like writing things down puts stuff into perspective and like lets u take a step back and like analyze your own thoughts because theyre right there in front of you. And you can say whatever you want because you wont get in trouble it and no one will see what you write.
And then i realized how powerful and helpful song writing is cuz like ive been writing songs since I was 5 and they are always about how I feel or things I can relate to and songs are just so expressive. Thats how I think you can tell a real songwriter, because the listener will know that the writer feels and relates to what they are writing about, and there is real emotion in the song.
Anyway, the reason i kinda went on this tangent is cuz basically over the past few months I have been writing in my journal excessively, but I found it really helps, and ive also written a few songs because being able to express myself through music...i dont know, but like it helps me, even if Im the only one who hears the song. Im contemplating putting a song i just wrote in this entry but like they reveal a lot and like no one will understand, and like Id feel so emo, so i dont think it'll happen. maybe next entry lol.

all-state tomorrow..oh gosh

She walks to school with a lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back;
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday,
She hides the bruises with the linen and lace;
oh

The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask,
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask;
Bearing the burdon of a secret storm,
Sometimes she wishes she was never born;

Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

Concrete Angel

Somebody cries in the middle of the night,
The neighbors hear but they turn out the lights;
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate,
When morning comes it will be too late.

Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

Concrete Angel

A statue stands in a shaded place,
An angel girl with an upturned face;
Her name is written on a polished rock,
A broken heart that the world forgot.

Through the wind and the rain,
She stands hard as a stone in a world that she can't rise above;
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

Concrete Angel

did u ever have a secret u wanted to tell the world?

Post Anonymously:
1. a question/something you've always wondered about me.
2. a music/book suggestion.
3. a compliment.
4. a criticism.
5. a hope for the future.


o I had my Brandeis interview today. I think it went well ::knocks on everything wood:: It was with a senior who worked at the admissions office so I felt a lot more comfortable and like we were laughing the whole time- it was very stress free, so hopefully I'll get in, and pray that I get a lot of money from them and i can go haha.
o ugh I shuld really be reading The Color Purple right now. whatevs
o I feel so helpless right now. Whatever I do is never enough...but just for me. Ill just never be good enough for me
o but at the same time, I wish i could please every1 else more too.

lifes boring.
rocky is over- happy about that. it was fun but I was sooo over it
1st quarter of skool is over this week and im getting like c's on my report card- this sux
almost done with applications- only like 3 questions left in total out of 11 school's applications so im quite relieved
please let me get into college
i guess we'll find out about Les Mis in like 2 weeks? obvs im not getting anything just cuz itz me

wait for i found a survey on myspace and itz reallly long so i cut some of it out but like i didnt kno how to get it on here via a link so Larissa spent like an hr eplaining it to me cuz im an idiot so i hope it works hhaha

( wooo survey )

hmmm itz been like months since ive updates so lets see...

school- super stressed, and like i dont get a lot of homework most days but when i do itz crazy and like i end up having 4 tests in one day- like tonigth which i dont kno why then im updating tonight out all of nights when i have eco bio french and theory to study for but whatevs. soo much to do for college- at least only 3 out of my 11 colleges dont take common app so itz not too much extra work...just a lot of supplements. once itz all over ill be soooo happy and so relieved. itz a good year so far tho.

rocky- had my opening show on sunday- it was YPT's opening show in general and it wasnt to bad... i expected it to be like terrible and it wasnt. ofcourse i wasnt happy with my performance btu i never am so whatevs. overall itz been kinda fun- except for all the show date mix ups. so everycome see it- im in it Oct 8th at 7:30 and Oct 21 at midnight and im Magenta... and hopefully I wont suck lol

everything else- ugh my life is sooo stressful and like i just cant deal anymore. i just wanna change everything- and not even redo anything- just like from here-on i wish i could like snap my fingers and like be happy with stuff...whatevs. but the thing is like no1 will ever really kno what Im talking about so like it really doesnt even make sense so umm ok. bye haha

i should probs get bak to studying
yay no school for the next 2 mondays!!!
we find out the skool show tomorrow- even tho i cant make the meeting
this was a waste of an entry
whoops

ugh i miss cape cod. i luv it there cuz all i do is hang at the pool and go shopping and it doesnt matter what u look like when u go to dinner and itz sooo stress free. itz like the best week of the year...plus i get soooo tan :)

rocky is a lot of fun and im having such a great time as Magenta. I got my dates:
sept 24- 7:30
oct 8- 7:30
oct 21- midnight
nov 4- midnight (closing)
so u better be there!!!

i made all-state for choir which is cool. my dad was flipping out and im pretty excited- it'll be a really good experience.

school hasnt even started and im sooo stressed. between my summer assignments, rehearsals, college stuff, and everything else i do i have like no down time but thats ok. i just have soo much to do in so little time and i feel like nothing is gunna get done.

whatevs seniors 07... how insane?!?!?!?

sunday i had rocky horror callbacks and I GOT MAGENTA! im psyched!!! it sux cuz itz triple casted and most of the leads are not phantoms when were not leads so like basically im in 4 shows out of the whole 12 show run which is terrible but im still sooooo excited for the part. rehearsals have been so much fun... even tho im there for like 45 min every time cuz they start so early while Im still at camp. Itz also set casts- like the leads wont be mixed up every show like last year.. Ill be with the same people every show which while itz good that we will get used to each other I was really looking forward to working with everyone so Im really disappointed. Basically- You better come see me.

as of now im going to splish splash on Sat with Radha and maybe cori and Im sriving- oyy veyy haha. itz gunna be so fun. i havnt been there not as a counselor since i was like 7

I drove in the city today!! me and my dad went to see this dance company...who was amazing by the way... and i full out drove there and it was soo scary. like the roads were so tight and like people walking inches away from the car i thought i was gunna run someone over but thankgooodness i didnt. it was soo scarey.

ugh camp is sooo stressful. itz over in a week in 2 days tho. im happy and reallly sad tho. it was a lot of fun. i luved my group

i cant take myself anymore. whatever. eww.

besides that, the summer is really fun. i cant believe itz like over half over. i luv being a counselor this year. my kids are sooo good and theyre so cute. i need to take pics- maybe tomorrow. itz a lot of fun.

i need to get a dress for my sisters bat mitzvah next month- i kno itz last minute but thats the way i roll nd itz not good cuz it takes me forever since i hate buying clothes for me. itz gunna be really hard for me-in a few ways.

im getting so organized for college. i have like a list of 23 colleges (haha) but i bought a huge accordian folder and labeled it and alphabetized it and im researching all the colleges more and looking at the application processes for each so i can narrow it down to like 12 or so and then i can start actually applying so im proud for actually starting sooooo early on this cuz normally id wwait until like december haha but i kno how long this is gunna take.

cape cod in 16 days!

im reading the perks of being a wallflower and so far itz like a reallly good book. but basically i found a quote thats the exact opposite of what i feel like right now:

"I think it was the first time in my life I ever felt like I looked "good". Do you know what I mean? That nice feeling when you look in the mirror, and your hair's right for the first time in your life? I don't think we should base so much on weight, muscles, and a good hair day, but when it happens, it's nice. It really is."

thats it. ok bye